Not your everyday trip to the optometrist

“Hi, I have an appointment at 2?”

“Yes, you’re Martha? Take a seat and the doctor will be right with you.”

“Thanks.”

Just take some deep breaths, Martha.  It’s going to be ok.  It’s just an eye appointment.  No need to get all stressed out.  Close your eyes and breathe…

“Martha?  Hi.  I’m Dr. Riley.  Let’s get you into pre-testing.  Right this way.  Now, just sit here.”

“Where?”

“Just in front of this first machine.  That’s right.  Put your chin in the cup and rest your forehead up here.  Relax.  Now just look through the eye piece and you should see a house.”

“A little red house?”

“That’s right.”

“Is something going to happen?”

“No just look at it.  The machine will take some readings, the house will probably jump around a bit and go in and out of focus.  Don’t worry.”

What was that? Is something peeking out from behind the house? “Doctor, is there something else in this picture?”

“No, what do you mean?”

“Oh, nothing. Must have just been the focus making me see things.”

“Happens to everyone.  Just blink as you need to. And done. Now slide over to the next machine and look through with your new right eye.  Hold still…”

“Ow! What the hell was that?”

“Just a puff of air. We use this matching to check your eye pressure.  Didn’t mean to surprise you. That eye looks normal.  Now let’s try your left eye.”

“Ok…Ow!  Feels like you’re trying to blow my eye out.”

“Ha!  It’s better to do this test without warning, if I tell you the air is coming you might blink. Ok, we’re done with that one, so slide over one more time.”

“What’s happening now?  Are you going to drill holes in my eyes next?”

“No we’ll save that until the end.  I’m just going to take some pictures of your eyes now.  Put your right eye against the lens here, and cover your left eye with this – it will just make it easier to take the picture.  Ok, ready?”

Snap.

“I’m blind!”

“Don’t be such a baby.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing, don’t worry…it’s just a bright light.  Ok that looks good.  Now switch over to the left eye.  Hold still…don’t blink”

Snap.

“Well now I can’t see anything at all.”

“Don’t worry you should be able to see again soon.  Now we’ll go over to the exam room to check out your prescription. Just right this way.  Take a seat at the far end of the room, I’m going to dim the lights so I can see better.”

“You mean see into my eyes better?”

“Yeah, that’s right. Ok. Put your eyes against these lenses and I’ll change them so we can see where your eyes are at.  Which is better, one or two?”

“One.”

Click click click.

“Three or four?”

“Four.”

Click click rumble.

“Now which is better, five or six?”

“Six?”

“Are you sure.”

“Yes?”

Click rumble growl.

What was that?  Was that a growl?

“Ok, good baseline. Now which is better, one or two?”

“This is like some kind of weird final exam.”

“One or two”

“Um, two?”

“Three or four?”

“Wait, neither of them is good.”

“Are you sure?  Three or four?”

Click click rumble growl.

“Three?  Wait, four?  I don’t know.”

“Until you get it right you are not going anywhere.”

“Excuse me?”

“Now, try again, three or four?”

“Four?”

“Wrong.  You lose.  I think we are done here.”

“Wait, what?”

“I have another one for you Crowley.  Here she comes…”

-end-